Dressed to Kill
by Jaffa-Cake-Queen
Summary: The Sanzo party have found another sutra - but they'll have to infiltrate the fancy dress party of a religious eccentric to get it. Is their dignity too high a price to pay?
1. Another sutra?

**Disclaimer: **I wish I did own Saiyuki, but unfortunately I don't.

**Dressed to Kill**

**Chapter 1: Another sutra?**

Afternoon sunlight drifted lazily through the open window, illuminating the cramped room. Sanzo could feel its warm glow on his face as he frowned at the newspaper, cigarette clamped between his lips. For once he had some quiet time to himself. No stupid monkey or irritating kappa to disturb him, just the muted noise of the street below and the occasional 'fwip' of a turning page. It was as close to heaven as he was likely to get on this damned trip.

But then his bad karma came back to hit him like a boomerang. The all-too familiar sound of quarrelling voices was approaching, followed by a slam as the inn door was kicked open. With a sigh he put out the cigarette stub, watching the last tendrils of smoke float out of the window. He closed his eyes, counting the pounding footsteps. _One, two, three and_- BANG!

"Yo Sanzo-sama. Your underlings have returned." He grunted disdainfully and turned to look at Gojyo stood in the doorway, smirking as if almost breaking down other people's doors was something to be smug about. Not that Sanzo normally cared; except, of course, when it was _his _door.

"Is your brain incapable of even opening a door?" The death-to-all-idiots glare was back.

"Hey! Don't put me on the same level as that stupid monkey!" Gojyo snapped. A second figure appeared behind him.

"Oh Gojyo, you haven't upset Sanzo already have you? We've only just got back." Hakkai stepped around the annoyed kappa, dropping the overflowing bags he had been carrying on to the nearest bed. He smiled at the priest. "Sorry we took so long." Sanzo sniffed.

"Ch. Did you get everything?"

Before he could get an answer, the last member of the Sanzo party charged in, an unstoppable juggernaut of excitement.

"Sanzo! Sanzo! Guess what we – oww! What was that for?" Goku collapsed on the floor, clutching his head and looking reproachfully up at the priest. Settling back into his chair, Sanzo tucked the paper fan back into his robes.

"A warning. And if this has anything to with food, I'll shoot you." Hakkai laughed nervously.

"Actually, it really isn't about food. We think we might have found another of the Tenchi Kaigen sutras."

"Oh?"

"We were in a shop when we overheard a conversation between two of the villagers. Do you remember that big house we saw on the road?" Sanzo nodded. The house stood on the hill overlooking the village, just visible from the window.

"The owner is a well-known collector of religious artefacts. He's just returned from another expedition and, apparently, he's found one of the sutras."

"You see Sanzo? We're not as useless as you make out." Gojyo's smirk widened. "So feel free to shower us with your gratitude anytime you like." Before he could reply with a suitably scathing comment, Goku leapt up, grabbing several strands of Gojyo's hair and knocking the surprised half-breed over.

"You can't talk, ya cockroach kappa – you weren't even there! You were off buying cigarettes!"

"Well, if you're going to be picky about the tiniest details... and let go of my hair! Do you want me to be a baldy like Sanzo?" The sound of a metallic click came from the priest's chair.

"Did you say something asshole?"

_Oh no, not again,_ thought Hakkai as he watched the situation descend into chaos. Their sense of priority was seriously screwed; fighting each other was much more important than actually completing their mission. Laughing quietly at his companions' determination to beat the crap out of each other before anyone else did, Hakkai picked up the discarded newspaper and began to read. Clearly further news of the sutra would have to wait.

A few minutes later, having beaten Goku and Gojyo into sullen submission, Sanzo turned back to Hakkai, who smiled just a little bit too serenely.

"Are you quite finished? Would you like me to continue? I'm sure it could wait if you're not." The priest nodded. He had a feeling that, deep down, this man was laughing at them all.

"So how do we get to see if this is a sutra?"

"It appears that normally he's a bit of a recluse, but tomorrow night he's invited everyone in the village to a party at the house. That's what the villagers were talking about. I was thinking that if we went and explained the situation to him-"

"Hmph. I don't have time to be explaining stuff to every idiot we meet."

"You can't just steal it Sanzo!"

"Did I say _I would_ be stealing it? Not that it matters; it belongs to a Sanzo priest anyway." Hakkai sighed.

"Very well. But whatever we do, tomorrow night is still our best chance. The house is normally closed off to outsiders." Deciding that Sanzo's wrath had abated enough for him to risk speaking, Gojyo gave him a pleading look.

"_Pleeeeease _can we go, oh mighty Sanzo? It wouldn't kill you to let us have some fun would it? There might be some chicks there!" An annoyed monkey had other ideas.

"Is that all you ever think about, perverted kappa? What about the food? All parties gotta have food!"

_Will someone please shoot me? Or even better, them? _thought the monk, clutching his throbbing forehead in his hands. Once again the cockroach and the monkey had succeeded in making his life a little more hellish.

"Fine – we'll go to this damn party. Just remember our priority is to search for the scripture." Sanzo glared at his grinning companions. "There, you've got what you wanted. Now you can shut the hell up or die." Goku and Gojyo quieted for a moment, but soon began their bickering again. Hakkai stepped over them and picked up the golden Aspect's card from the table.

"If you don't mind Sanzo I'll just be borrowing this again."

"Huh?" He was already out of the door and heading for the staircase, waving away the priest's confusion.

"Don't worry, I won't be long. I'm just going to get us some costumes."

Deathly silence filled the room, punctuated only by Hakkai's cheerful whistle as he vanished down the stairs. An empty cigarette packet tumbled across the table (1)

"C-costumes?" spluttered Gojyo.

"HAKKAI! Get your frickin' ass back here! What the hell do you mean by costumes?"

There was silence. The demon-slayer had already gone. For a second Gojyo the priest was about to get up and go after him. Then he slumped back into his chair, reaching for a cigarette.

"Shit. Why didn't you tell me it was fancy dress, you stupid cockroach?"

"Coz I didn't know! I was too busy buying your lordship's smokes at the time!"

"We can still go, can't we Sanzo?" asked Goku, eyes begging. The effect was ruined by the fact that his hands were buried in one of the bags of food.

"Tch. I guess we'll have to. I don't want Kougaiji getting his dirty hands on a sutra."

_You'd better not come back with anything stupid Hakkai,_ Sanzo thought, _or I may just shoot YOU for once_. 

(1) "What?" exclaimed the Merciful Goddess "It wasn't as if there was any tumbleweed!"

**A/N: **OK., this is my first Saiyuki fic. It came from a totally random idea and may turn out to be completely crap. Let me know what you think!


	2. The Four Set Out in Ominous Costumes

Chapter 2:

**Disclaimer: **No, don't own Saiyuki. Wish I did though…

Thanks to people who reviewed!

**Chapter 2: ****The Four Set Out in Ominous Costumes**

"Thank you! You've been most helpful!"

With a final wave to the shopkeeper, Hakkai stepped back out on to the street; a heavy bag was clutched under one arm. He'd been lucky – they were the last four costumes in the shop. It was odd that they'd been _those _four in particular. Almost appropriate, Hakkai thought.

The room was unusually quiet when Hakkai returned. Cautiously he paused outside for a moment, checking for any demonic presence. Nothing except for an intense wave of irritation and boredom. Hakkai pushed door open, wincing at the loud creak it made. A penetrating violet glare welcomed him. If looks could kill, then this one could commit genocide. Gojyo was sprawled across one of the beds, eyes glazed over with boredom. He didn't seem to have realised that his cigarette had almost burned out.

Hakkai's mile wilted just a little under the intensity of Sanzo's stare. _I feel like there's a hold being burned through my forehead_… He put down the bag and raised his hands in a gesture of peace.

"I'm sorry for misleading you Sanzo, but I thought you might not agree if you knew the whole truth. This is very important…"

"I know that!" The monk did not appreciate being made to feel like a child. "We're going, whatever type of party it is."

"Heh, nothing wrong with a little dress-up, right?" Gojyo leered.

"I'm sure there isn't; until _you _say it. Then it just sounds like something dirty." Hakkai looked around the room, confused. "Where's Goku?"

"Monkey boy needed a piss." Crimson eyes curious, the kappa sat up. "So what did ya get?" He was slowly inching towards the bag which had been left in the centre of the room like meat in a wolf's den.

"Take a look for yourself," said the demon slayer, who had begun to pour himself tea from the pot on the table. A look of almost childish glee spreading across his face, Gojyo went to snatch it. But just as his fingers touched the handle a bullet shot past his face, almost giving him a rather drastic nose-job. He spun round angrily, not entirely surprised to see Sanzo stood behind him.

"Get away from the bag and I might decide not to shoot you." Although the kappa scowled he did as he was told.

"Crazy monk, coulda' killed me with that thing…"

Ignoring the sullen muttering, Sanzo retrieved the bag. He peered into it cautiously, as thought it might contain a snake. Then he carefully probed its contents with one hand. After a few moments the priest looked up, giving Hakkai a look that was so old-fashioned it predated the dinosaurs.

"The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?" The dramatic pause was rudely interrupted by the door banging open. Goku bounced in, eyes brimming with excitement.

"Did someone mention POCKY?" Perhaps he looked just a little too happy, or maybe Sanzo just needed to vent some anger. Whatever it was, all the monkey got for an answer was a paper fan in the face.

"You cretinous chimp! Are you deaf as well as stupid? Apocalypse! I said APOCALYPSE!" Goku frowned.

"Oh … what type of pocky is that?" The dramatic silence was replaced with a dumbfounded one. Even Gojyo looked freaked out.

"Hakkai, is there something wrong with him?"

"Most probably. If there is, I don't think I want to know."

Ignoring the seething priest, Hakkai gently enlightened the puzzled Goku as to what the Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually were and the fact that they weren't edible. Comprehension lit up his face like a light bulb.

"Ohh, now I get it – hey you stinkin' cockroach, I want to choose my clothes first!" The kappa smirked down at him, holding the bag just out of reach.

"Ah-ah, come and take it chibi-chimp!"

BANG!

After a brief interlude spent in the quiet place he went to when he was extremely pissed off, Sanzo had returned. And nothing else needed to be said. _Sanzo _was choosing first. After a couple of minutes rummaging, the monk finally pulled something out. He examined it critically before giving it a grudging sniff of approval.

"This'll do. Now you morons can fight over the rest."

The next evening…

"Hurry up Gojyo! We're going to be late!" Loud crashing came from inside the room, followed by an abrupt silence. Then came the reply:

"Hakkai, have you seen my comb? I could've sworn I left it on this-eep!" A ghostly apparition stormed into the room, black cloak billowing behind him. He emerged a second later, dragging Gojyo by the ear. Violet eyes glared out from the dark depths of a hood.

"Let's get this over with," Sanzo growled as he dropped Gojyo and stomped off down the stairs. The others followed quickly; ignoring the kappa's muffled whimpers of agony.

Once outside, Hakkai gave his companions a final inspection. Every finishing touch had been added; no one would suspect that these four were anything other than slightly disgruntled party goers.

Sanzo was almost unrecognisable in the outfit of Death (although anyone who knew the priest would have immediately guessed who it was – what else would the homicidal monk choose?), shrouded in the hooded cloak and face covered by a skull mask. The purple orbs glowering through the eye holes were a nice touch. Clutched in one hand was a fold-out scythe.

Next in the line up was War. Gojyo had taken to the leather and chain mail outfit like Goku to a plate of meat buns. He hadn't been so keen on the horned helmet ("But it'll mess up my hair!") and he had flatly refused to put on the false beard ("How will I smoke wearing all that shit?"). Hakkai had thought the kappa might actually cry with disappointment when he told him he couldn't take his shakujou and firmly pressed a plastic battle axe into his hands.

For himself Hakkai had chosen to be Pestilence. Green had always been his favourite colour – even if it was a rather sickly shade like this cloak. The outfit was similar to Sanzo's, except that he was wearing fake warts and, instead of a scythe, he was carrying a staff with a mummified hand on top (a fake, the shopkeeper had assured him).

And so finally they came to Famine – quite possibly the shortest, fattest Famine that ever went to a fancy-dress party. Unfortunately the costumes only came in one size; Goku now resembled a walking potato sack with tentacle sleeves for arms. He was saved from total humiliation by an ominous hat made out of some kind of animal skull.

"Can we go now?" whined Goku. "I wanna get to this damn party so I can _eat _something!"

Satisfied with his group, Hakkai nodded. They all clambered on to the Jeep with much swearing as they tripped over their new outfits. Finally they set off, Hakuryu cheeping in amusement. Already stressed, Sanzo reached for a cigarette.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you Sanzo."

"Oh really? And why is that?"

"Well, that mask is plastic. I'd really hate to have to try and peel it off your face if it starts to melt."

"GODAMMIT!"

By the time they arrived at the house night had almost fallen. Light from the torches and windows flickered like fireflies, casting a golden glow around the building. The sound of music and buzzing voices drifted through the open door, which was crowded with new arrivals. Goku and Gojyo looked like dogs straining to be let off the leash, eyes glittering excitedly. Needless to say, the party atmosphere was lost on Sanzo. He looked as if he were about to attend his own funeral.

As the others headed towards the door, Hakkai turned to give Hakuryu a friendly pat.

"Please wait here for us my friend – we may be in need of a quick exit." They'd already decided to pack everything and leave the village straight after obtaining the sutra- no one wanted to spend several months in the village jail.

Sanzo had hoped to get through the evening without having to talk to anyone, never mind the religious nutbar who had supposedly found a sutra. It seemed, however, that their host had decided to greet everyone personally.

"Welcome, welcome! So glad you could make it!" The old man, hair springing erratically from his head, beamed and waved them in like close friends. "I am Ranef Reol, the master of this house. And may I compliment you on your magnificent costumes? The Horsemen of the Apocalypse, yes? Which one's which?"

_Hmph. Definitely an eccentric. At least he's not that interested in who we really are._

"Death," replied Sanzo, pointing to himself then at each of the others in turn. "War, Pestilence and Fam- oi! Famine, get your ass back here!

It did not take long to figure out where Goku had gone – the buffet table, groaning under the weight of so much food, was just too much temptation. Ranef looked on in awe at the tiny figure shovelling down enough food for ten people.

"_That's _Famine?"

Gojyo laughed. "Yep. Wherever he goes, famine follows shortly after. I think it's because he eats everything."

Hakkai thanked the man for his hospitality and turned to his friend, only to see the kappa making a bee-line for the nearest attractive woman. Not particularly surprised, he instead joined the anti-social Sanzo. Although his face was hidden, his body posture was enough to let anyone know it was a grimace.

"What are those idiots doing Hakkai? Are they trying to attract attention?" The priest snorted. "Huh, War and Famine? More like Prostitution and Pain-In-My-Ass."

"Let them have some fun Sanzo. We'll give it another hour or so and then we can go and look for-"

The huge front door slammed open. Everyone turned round to stare at it, all noise dying instantly. Four people were framed in the doorway. One of them bowed apologetically.

"Our apologies for the intrusion. I do hope you don't mine latecomers." After a moment's confusion, Ranef replied.

"Of course not… Come in, come in!" They all stepped forward, like actors into a spotlight. And they were all terribly familiar.

"Just my luck. Kougaiji and his travelling circus!" hissed Sanzo.

"Oh, I think it's a bit worse than that. Have you seen what they're wearing?" The priest looked again. His eyes turned to a colour the demon slayer privately referred to as 'pissed-off purple'.

"Now they really are going to die."

"Oh my!" exclaimed Ranef, clapping his hands in childish delight. "Don't tell me you're _the_ famous Sanzo party!"

**A/N: **This author is eternally grateful to anyone who sees fit to review. So do it! It'll make me happy! : )


	3. Confused? You will be

Disclaimer:

**Disclaimer****:** It's my birthday soon; maybe Kazuya Minekura will give me Saiyuki as a birthday present … or then again, maybe not.

**Chapter 3:**** Confused? You will be…**

"I know Kougaiji's team have their faults, but I didn't think bad taste was one of them," Hakkai whispered. He and Sanzo were trying to slip towards the back of the crowd; a fairly difficult task when most people were trying to push to the front to catch a glimpse of the new arrivals. Sanzo was seething; swear words spewing from his mouth like water from a geyser. They had just escaped from the crush when the other two joined them, equally angry.

"This is too far! What kind of crazy trick are they pulling, dressing up as us?" Gojyo hissed, antennae twitching with rage.

"They-how-why?" Confusion and annoyance chased each other around Goku's face. Hakkai smiled through gritted teeth.

"I wouldn't really mind," he said, "except that they are quite possibly the worst fakes I have ever seen." Anyone who had seen the real Sanzo party would have agreed. The group was led by a midget-monk in robes meant for someone at least a metre taller. This had to be Lirrin, whose drooping sleeves and trailing clothes made her look as though she was melting. Her hair and ears were covered with a Sanzo head piece. Kougaiji (who was talking quietly to Ranef) looked like a Goku who had spent several hours being stretched on a rack. He certainly had the facial expression of one who had recently undergone severe torture.

Dokugakuji looked equally uncomfortable. Clearly he hadn't taken to the 'casual' look that his little half-brother favoured, shuffling from nervously from foot to foot. He was also, to Gojyo's eternal shame, twiddling a strand of the long, cherry-ade coloured wig he was wearing between his fingers. The movement could only be described as … _feminine_.

This left Yaone. In theory there was nothing wrong with her Hakkai outfit; she'd got the clothes right, tied up her hair so it looked shorter and was even wearing a monocle. No amount of bandaging, however, was going to make her chest size any smaller than a C. That, coupled with a _very _pretty face, just made it look as though Hakkai had had a sex change … then changed his mind half way through.

So obviously no one for a minute would believe this was the _real _Sanzo party. Except that … the genuine articles had decided to conceal their true identities from the villagers to avoid 'harassment'. For all they knew, this _was _the real Sanzo ikkou.

Silence came instantly as Kougaiji and Ranef's conversation ended and their host raised his hand for quiet.

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is a great honour to introduce you all to Genjyo Sanzo and his disciples!" The man's eyes gleamed with feverish joy and instantly began introducing each of his guests to 'the Sanzo party'. Meanwhile Hakkai was trying to stop Gojyo from whipping out his shakujou and decapitating them all.

"Those bastards!" hissed the enraged kappa. "What is with that wig? My hair is crimson, not pink! I swear, I'm gonna cut them into sushi for this!

"Yes, yes, I'm sure you will," Hakkai muttered. "Just please don't do it here!" A soft metallic click soon shut both of them up.

"I don't have time for this cockroach. Stop fooling around – we need to get of this room without being noticed." The monk spun round, glaring along the back wall to find an exit.

"But I don't get it," whined Goku as he trotted after the others (still clutching a meat bun in both hands). "Why don't we just fight them like we normally do?" The demon slayer sighed before patiently explaining the situation t the confused monkey.

"Because they must also be here for the sutra and we need to find it first. Clearly they think that Ranef will simply hand over the sutra to a priest as high-ranking as Sanzo." A close cousin of comprehension dawned on Goku's face.

"Tch. If you two could shut your mouths and move? We've found a door." Unnoticed by the rest of the gathering, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse slipped through a large wooden door that led into the rest of the house …

"Are you sure this will work Kou?" Dokugakuji murmured. He could sense the other demon's tension, which wasn't helping his own feelings of unease. Fights to the death he could deal with; dressing up and pretending to be someone else was a little more complicated.

"It's the best we could come up with," hissed Kougaiji, "without resorting to violence and attracting unnecessary attention. Yaone thought it best to try and retrieve the scripture … lawfully." The red-eyed demon smirked. Impersonating an exhalted priest and his followers was hardly lawful, even if it was less likely to cause 'collateral damage'. It was the closest to 'lawful' as they were going to get.

Lirrin was the current centre of attention, surrounded by villagers clamouring for spiritual favours. The others had tried to dissuade her but she had flatly refused to go as anything other than 'baldy'. Several long hours had been spent to make her seem more priest-like and it seemed to have paid off; although she seemed to be easily distracted by the food on offer. Yaone was hovering next to Lirrin to make sure she didn't do anything _too _stupid.

"Don't worry Dokugaku. The old man has already promised to show us his discovery; if he's as decent as everyone says he is, he'll hand the sutra over when 'Priest Sanzo' asks for it. We won't even have to fight the real thing." The demon prince laughed quietly, before focussing once more on his little sister. He caught Yaone's eye and she nodded. _Soon_.

**A/N: **Hey guys, sorry I'm late, I'm afraid I got lost on the path of life…

I am so, so sorry that this has taken so long. Lots of stuff has been happening (which you don't want to know) so lets just leave it at that… I can't say when the next update will be- but it WILL come. Some day…

Is it just me or this starting to get like something from Shakespeare? Everyone's pretending to be somebody else while someone else pretends to be them…

A review would be nice ; )


	4. Things That Go Bump in the Night

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Saiyuki or any of its characters. Unfortunately.

**Chapter 4: Things That Go Bump in the Night**

Traditionally, when the heroes are sneaking through a darkened building, some form of lighting will appear to aid their journey: torches that have somehow been burning for decades, moonlight through the windows, or even a bit of radioactive fungus. This was not so for the Sanzo party, possibly because their intentions were not so noble.

"Stop stepping on my robe you idiot!"

"Sure I will – just as soon as your pet monkey stops using my hair as a handhold!"

The whispered bickering sounded dangerously loud in the silent corridor. They had made little progress in the hour or so since they'd left the party and Hakkai had the sinking feeling that they were going round in circles. That shadowy animal head on the wall looked very familiar...

"Hey! Hahhai! Can't you give us some light with your chi?"

"Only if you want Kougaiji to know we're here. They'll sense the demon energy from miles away, so we'll just have to manage as best we can... or don't two of you have lighters?"

After some angry mumbling and searching of pockets, two lighters were produced. The tiny flames sputtered and spat into life, illuminating the four would-be thieves. Goku wondered if it was the poor lighting that was making Sanzo's face appear so terrifying. Then he remembered that it was a mask.

Gojyo looked bored. "Alright Hakkai, tell me the truth here – do you actually have any idea where we're meant to be looking for this sutra?"

"Actually, no... But I can make an educated guess." The healer answered with a reassuring smile.

_And that's just an intelligent way of saying 'guess'_ thought Sanzo. _Damn, since when did being a priest require so much effort?_

Hakkai continued. "This Ranef has quite a collection, so he's probably got a display room or library where he keeps these artefacts. If so, I bet it's on this floor or the one above. That's where they usually are." He couldn't say much more than that. "All we can do is keep looking."

The priest sighed. He really, _really_ wanted a cigarette. And a drink.

"OK, we'll go with that plan." Sanzo wasn't going to ask how Hakkai knew so much about the interiors of wealthy houses.

"Woo! Then let's go find us a sutra!" With a shriek of joy, Goku ran off into the darkness. He was rapidly followed by the others; there is nothing like a rampaging Goku to announce the presence of the Sanzo ikkou.

"Dammit, chimpy, get back here!" hissed Gojyo. His thumb was starting to get cramps from holding the lighter, which was sputtering worse than ever now that he was running.

"You're so going to die for this, you stupid monkey!" Sanzo's snarl was almost unheard, because it was at this point that the thunder began to roll.

X X X

A shocked murmur ran through the crowd of guests as the last crash of thunder died away. Such an ominous sound; it could have come straight out of a horror movie. But when nothing terrible leapt out from behind the incredibly expensive furniture the laughter started up again and the party resumed. Ranef smiled at Kougaiji and the others.

"These storms have become more frequent of late. It's not normal. But what can one do about Mother Nature?" He led them to a large door. "If you'll come this way, Priest Sanzo, I'll take you to the library." The old man bowed deferentially, gesturing for 'Priest' Lirrin to go first. She did so, grinning.

"Thanks mister!" she chirped. Kougaiji cursed and quickly followed after her. Yaone was left walking behind with Dokugakji. He was still not comfortable with his outfit. Several women had approached him asking if he was a 'real red-head', the innocence of the question betrayed by the predatory gleam in their eyes. The demon shuddered. Gojyo may have enjoyed the attention – he found it unnerving.

"That is interesting," murmured Yaone, tweaking her monocle. She'd become quite attached to it.

"Hm? What is?" her friend asked. _Forget the eyes, focus on the mission!_

"What our host said about these storms. Unnatural, almost." She gave him a serious look. "Freak weather patterns have been emerging all over Shang-ri-la, ever since the resurrection began; particularly in areas high in youkai energy."

Dokugaku nodded, discomfort forgotten.

"You're right, Yaone. Let's be on our guard..."

X X X

"How long does it take to pick a damn lock, Hakkai? You should have just let me shoot it off."

Sanzo would have felt a lot better if he could shoot something. This Death costume was beginning to itch, he couldn't smoke and this whole escapade was taking far too long. The frequent thunder and flashes of lightening didn't help; they put everyone on edge.

After chasing Goku down several corridors, through a window (don't ask) and almost falling into an indoor swimming pool, they'd finally come across the library. Actually, they'd run straight into it, one after another. Hakkai's mummified-hand-on-a-stick would never be the same again and a nasty incident involving lighters, cheap costumes and an ancient wooden door had only been narrowly avoided.

The Sanzo party had been so busy recovering from the crash that they almost didn't see the carvings of books on the door panels. Gojyo had been the first to notice.

"Hey, you don't think a room full of books... like a library... would have pictures of books on the door, do you?"

And so Hakkai's crash course in lock-picking came in handy once again. The lock pick, always secreted about his person, was whipped out with the air of a true professional. He had an experimental jiggle.

"This could take a while..."

But 'a while' was too long in Sanzo's opinion. He'd twice suggested shooting the lock off and to Hell with the consequences. If the door wasn't opened soon, he felt that he might just go insane. It was too damn quiet! There was nothing but the gentle click of the lock turning and the soft sounds of four people trying not to be heard.

_Click, click, click..._

The vein was beginning to twitch again.

_Click, click, click..._

Unless he got rid of this ridiculous fold-up scythe soon, he was going to beat someone to death with it.

_CLICK, CLICK, CLICK..._

"FUCK THIS! Hakkai, step away from the damn lock or I swear I'll shoot your hand off with it!"

Then several things happened at once. With his typical dexterity, Sanzo pulled out his gun and, without hesitation, emptied it into the door. Hakkai had barely removed his hand from it when the lock exploded in a shower of molten metal. Fragments ricocheted off into the darkness, pinging off the walls before flying back towards the Sanzo party with malicious ferocity.

"Shit!"

"Fudge cakes!"

"MOMMY!"

A deafening silence followed. Goku, Gojyo and Hakkai were sprawled across the floor, costumes and nerves in disarray. Only Sanzo remained standing. An air of indifference hung around him as he stared down at his companions.

"You... YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED US WITH THAT STUNT OF YOURS!"

Gojyo had made a swift recovery and was now in a spitting rage. He'd scrambled to his feet so as to better berate the priest. In the dim corridor it was just possible to make him out; his helmet was now missing a horn. "Well? Aren't you even going to apologise?"

Sanzo sniffed. "Why? You weren't hit were you? Anyway, we were going to be stood here all night with Hakkai's party tricks."

Hakkai wisely decided not to take offense at this remark. They were running out of time – someone would surely have heard the commotion and now be coming to investigate. _Unless they pass it off as more thunder_, the healer thought as a flash of lightening briefly illuminated the ruined corridor, followed by another thunderous crash.

With the lighters lost in the confusion, the Sanzo party had to grope their way blindly towards the wrecked door. At first it seemed only to lead down yet another corridor. But as they fumbled along (with much cursing and treading on each other's costumes) they became aware of a light growing steadily brighter as they drew closer, until finally-

"Woah... this is some collection!"

The Sanzo ikkou had emerged into a room of almost cavernous proportions. Packed shelves covered every wall, up to two storeys high. Ladders were placed at regular intervals, leading up to small balconies and all connected by an obscure pulley system.

An odd smell hung in the air; the kind of smell usually associated with second-hand book shops or your grand parents' house. There were so many books and scrolls that an entire forest must have been needed to make them all.

But books weren't the only thing in this library. On the ground floor there were glass cases packed with all things weird and wonderful – stuffed animals, occult artefacts and all kinds of religious paraphernalia.

Gojyo began a slow stroll around the exhibits, peering into the more interesting boxes.

"So... did anyone else think that the library would be a bit, I dunno... smaller?"

"With an irritated _tsk_ Sanzo ripped off his mask and threw it on a table.

"Yes Hakkai. Did you realise that we'd be searching through all of this crap when you came up with this crazy-ass plan?"

Hakkai tittered nervously.

"Well I certainly didn't expect anything on this scale, but-"

"Hey! Hey! I found the sutra!"

An excited Goku had already run off and started pulling scrolls off their shelves at random. He dashed back to the others waving one of them over his head. "See! See!"

"Let me look, stupid monkey," Sanzo snatched it and began to read. The kappa looked over his shoulder. Then he burst into an uncontrollable laughing fit.

"I didn't realise that this was a holy text, Sanzo. Why didn't you say? I might have joined up!"

CRACK!

The paper fan claimed two more victims.

"No need to get angry..."

Goku was crestfallen.

"Is that not it Sanzo?"

"No, that is definitely NOT one of the most holy scriptures ever written!"

"I'm afraid, Goku, that you have mistaken a Tenchi Kaigen sutra with another well-known sutra. You won't have read it." Hakkai said patiently. A leering kappa leapt in with a perverted comment.

"Oh, but you should, monkey! The Kama Sutra makes some excellent reading!"

"I really think we should be focussing on what we actually came here for." Hakkai pointed Goku towards a corner of the library. "Look over there – it should be called the 'Kouten' or 'Uten' sutra."

Sanzo was already glaring into display cases and rummaging through shelves, while Gojyo remained decidedly off-task.

"Key, can I keep this? It's an illustrated limited-edition copy-"

Everyone froze as a voice as thin as ice and as nasal as a pig on helium suddenly spoke.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?"

**A/N:** It has been too long. I apologise if anyone has been waiting for this!

You can all thank Slin, a friend of mine, for regularly pestering for me updates. (Without her, you may have been waiting even longer...)

The next chapter will (probably) be the last! The grand finale! Who is the owner of the mysterious voice? Will Kougaiji's team discover the Sanzo party? And will they finally find the sutra? Find out... in the next chapter!

(Which should be here a lot quicker...)


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